


you told me so many times

by thecivilunrest



Category: Free!
Genre: Canon Compliant, Episode Tag, M/M, it's fair to say that this has been joss'd since ep 4, or at least that's how i see it haha, this isn't necessarily romantic but it also is very much so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-10
Updated: 2014-07-10
Packaged: 2018-02-08 06:18:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1929888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecivilunrest/pseuds/thecivilunrest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time that Sousuke sees Rin, he almost looks right through him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you told me so many times

**Author's Note:**

> so my otp is 100% rinharu but i love unrequited love and so sousuke sort of sparked my interest today, haha. that and i couldn't get this out of my head, so, here have a lot of sousuke feelings that somehow exploded from me.

The first time that Sousuke sees Rin, he almost looks right through him. Matsuoka is just another classmate in another classroom, same as any other year. They aren’t even friends. 

Almost--there is something about Matsuoka that hooks him and forces him to take a second glance, like a sun flare in the corner of his eye. Sousuke looks again, but he is still just a boy, still just another classmate, and so he looks away. 

 

When Sousuke finally sees Matsuoka swim at swim club he understands why he looked twice. Matsuoka is beautiful in the water. It’s a strange thought but the first thing that makes its way into Sousuke’s head. Matsuoka swimming is beautiful, almost elegant as he makes his way through the water. 

Matsuoka’s doing the butterfly--which everyone knows is the hardest stroke; many people in their age group of tried but either they aren’t good enough or give up in frustration--getting one of the other guys to time him. 

He’s breathing hard when he finally surfaces, but he smiles when his time is called out. Sousuke sees that glint again, except this time it’s brighter, like looking at the whole sun. 

Mastuoka passes him on his way to the locker room. “You’re good,” Sousuke tells him. 

He pauses at that and grins. Sousuke sees the sun again. “I know, but thanks.” There’s no modesty at all but Sousuke’s glad; he’s found false modesty redundant in sports where the whole point is to be the best. 

Matsuoka looks closer at Sousuke then, his gaze clinical. “You know, you have good shoulders. You could probably do the butterfly too. I could help you, of course, if you wanted.” 

Sousuke has no interest in this, or at least, he didn’t before. He only joined the swim club because he was too young for the American football club just yet and it was a good way to pass time. He had even planned on quitting at the end of the school year. 

_No_ , is what he means to say. “Sure,” is what comes out of his mouth instead. 

 

Rin--because that’s who Matsuoka becomes after a few weeks of extra practice--is annoying and bossy. He never lets up on Sousuke for a moment, always nagging and forcing him to become better. “No, no, like _this_ ,” Rin will insist, motioning on dry land. Sousuke always gets the urge to punch him when this happens, but he never does. Instead he bites back his words and does as Rin says. 

Listening to Rin works. At the next meet Sousuke is able to swim the entire 50 meter race _and_ is only three seconds behind Rin’s time. At the end of the race Rin grins at him, but only after checking the scoreboard and seeing the one next to his name. “Nice one,” he says, holding out his fist into Sousuke’s lane. 

Sousuke hesitates for a second before tapping his fist against Rin’s. He’s smiling too. 

 

Rin is the one that decides that they need a secret handshake. “All best friends _need_ a super special secret handshake,” he insists when Sousuke frowns at him. 

“No they don’t, that’s stupid,” is what he says when really he wants to ask _Is that what we are?_

That would be that for Sousuke, only Rin continues to badger him about it, elbowing him in the ribs whenever he sees secret handshakes in movies and bringing it up every time they aren’t talking about swimming or homework. 

He’s annoying enough about it that Sousuke's resistance finally breaks. “Fine. Let’s do this thing.” They spend two hours narrowing down the moves that look the least stupid before finally deciding on a handshake. Sousuke feels silly at first but the more they practice the more he gets used to it. 

“Every time that we don’t see each other for a long time we have to do it, okay?” Rin asks, and Sousuke agrees. 

The next morning at school Sousuke starts their handshake with no prompting from Rin. Rin pauses before finishing the movement, making Sousuke’s half a whole. 

At Rin’s surprised look Sousuke shrugs. “We haven’t seen each other in a long time, right?” he asks. Rin laughs then. 

 

The day that Rin tells Sousuke about his dream to go to the Olympics, the only thing that Sousuke can think is _of course_. Of course that’s his goal--of course Rin is thinking long term about swimming. Sousuke has never met someone more dedicated to the sport, or more enthusiastic about the sport. He’s infected that enthusiasm into Sousuke too, who before meeting him had nothing more than a passing interest in swimming. 

There’s a hunger on Rin’s face when he says the word Olympics, like there’s nothing more that he wants. 

“Yeah,” Sousuke agrees when Rin finally stops talking. “I want that too.” 

“You can’t just say that and not mean it,” Rin says, voice haughty, the way it sometimes gets when he’s talking about swimming and feeling superior. “It’s going to take a _lot_ of hard work and discipline.” 

“I know that,” Sousuke huffs, annoyed. “But I want to go. And you’re not that much faster than me anyway, so maybe I’ll beat you there too.” 

Sparking Rin’s competitive streak is ridiculously easy, and this time is no different. “Yeah right,” Rin says before growing quiet. “You know, I knew you’d get it.” 

“Get what?” 

“Wanting to go to the Olympics and all that stuff. That’s why I told you, ‘cuz I knew you’d understand. And the best part about this dream is that it can be done, you know? There are all sorts of schools for it, or coaches, and diets and stuff to help you get there. You just have to want it bad enough and you’ll get it. It’s not like wanting to live at the top of a rainbow or having a fridge that never runs out of meat.” 

“Not that you’d say no to those dreams coming true either,” Sousuke laughs, and Rin shoves his shoulder. 

“You know, if you do this, that means you’ll be my rival. We might both swim for Japan, but swimming is still an individual sport.” 

“I might be your rival, but I’ll still be your friend,” Sousuke says. “We can get there together.” 

“Yeah,” Rin sighs, leaning against Sousuke’s shoulder for a second before straightening up. “But don’t think I’ll go easy on you just because you’re my friend!” 

“Whatever,” Sousuke says, his chest feeling warm for some reason. “One day, you won’t need to.” 

 

Nanase Haruka comes into their lives with a splash, one that ripples forever. 

Rin usually scouts out the competition, or at least pays really close attention to their times right before a race, but it’s nothing like _this_. “Did ya see that Nanase guy?” Rin asks. 

“He’s the one that beat you, right?” Sousuke asks. 

“Yeah.” Rin’s face draws closed as he says this, before brightening again. “I’ll just have to beat him next time, huh?” He smiles at the thought, a dreamy, far away look in his eyes. 

For the first time, Sousuke feels like he’s going blind. 

 

After that the only thing that Rin can focus on is Nanase, Nanase, Nanase. The way that he swims changes too. Even though they were competing, and they were almost always competing, when they swam together Sousuke always felt like he was swimming _with_ Rin. All of a sudden it’s like Rin has pulled away from him, and Sousuke knows that he’s swimming with the ghost of Nanase instead. 

Every time they see Nanase at meets Rin frantically looks at the scoreboard, and every time he is beaten. Sousuke hopes that this will be the end of it, that Rin will give up, but of course he doesn’t. 

“Why do you think Nanase only swims freestyle?” Rin asks after pouring over the results from Iwatobi Swim Club. “He’s never _once_ swam anything else, not in the whole time that I’ve been keeping a closer eye on the competition.” 

Keeping a closer eye on the competition. Sousuke almost snorts. More like keeping an eye on Nanase. 

“I don’t know. Maybe that’s what he’s best at?” 

Rin hums, thoughtful. “Well, I’ll just have to focus more on freestyle I guess, since he won’t swim anything else.” 

“But what about the butterfly?” That was _their_ stroke, the thing that they worked the hardest on together. 

Rin only shrugs. “This is more important right now. I’ve got to beat Nanase, you know?” He gets that dreamy look in his eyes again, and Sousuke hates it. 

Whenever Rin talks about Nanase, he always feels so far away, like he’s across the ocean instead of right beside him. “Yeah,” Sousuke says. “That I do know.” 

 

The next time they see Nanase at a meet Rin loses yet again. “Next time,” Rin promises, puffing his chest out. He’s smiling even though he lost. Rin never smiled at a loss before Nanase--not that there were very many of those. 

Nanase doesn’t seem to care about the competition at all. He doesn’t seem to notice anyone at all, actually, not even a tall boy whose name Sousuke is almost certain is Tachibana, who is the only person that comes up and talks to him. He seems to ignore everything, or worse, not to care. His face is blank and bored, like he didn’t just beat one of the best swimmers in the area, that he beat _everyone_.

Why does Rin care so much about a guy who doesn’t even care, who doesn’t even _notice_ him? Why does he care about Nanase at all? Rin’s preoccupation is stupid and ridiculous, and all of a sudden Sousuke hates Nanase, hates how he manages to creep into all of Sousuke and Rin’s conversations now, and how Nanase’s ghost always seems to find its way into the pool when they practice. 

 

The day that Rin tells Sousuke that he is transferring Sousuke can see his own breath, and it’s snowing outside. The clouds are covering the sun. 

“I’m transferring to Iwatobi,” Rin says. “I found a guy there...someone that I want to swim relays with.” 

Sousuke frowns as he thinks about why Iwatobi sounds so familiar before he makes the connection. “Nanase,” Sousuke says, his voice flat. None of the distaste that Sousuke feels seeps into his words, thank goodness, but then he’s always been a decent actor. Better than Rin at any rate, whose thoughts and feelings are always written across his face. 

Rin blushes a little, his smile turning sheepish. “Yeah. But there’s that other one, Tachibana. Nanase talks to him a lot so I bet he’s good too!” 

_You don’t even know, don't act like you’ve even looked at anyone other than Nanase_ , Sousuke thinks but doesn’t say. “Well, good luck. You’re going to need it when you swim against our team. We’ll find someone even better to replace you.” 

“Ha! Fat chance,” Rin says. “I knew you’d get this too, though. I just think swimming _with_ him instead of _against_ him will give me the edge I need, you know?” 

No. Sousuke doesn’t get this, doesn’t get why swimming beside anyone would make a difference when you’re competing with them. He doesn’t say anything, just smiles and nods. 

 

Sousuke watches as they take their celebratory picture with the pool as a backdrop. Rin’s arm is around Nanase’s neck, pulling him close even as Nanase looks to the side, as if he’d rather be anywhere but there. Sousuke feels his chest burn at the injustice of it all--Rin should be with the Sano Swim Club accepting that award, his arm around Sousuke’s neck, the way it is in most of the pictures of their whole team together. Iwatobi doesn’t deserve Rin, Sousuke thinks viciously, wishing that Sano had won instead. 

But they hadn’t been able to find anyone that could match Rin’s skill level, no matter what Sousuke promised, and so there’s no way they could have. 

Sousuke takes one last look at the four of them, Rin chattering and Nanase makes some dull comment in response. Rin smiles anyway, and it’s like looking directly into the sun and then some, brighter than Sousuke’s ever seen it. 

Then he walks away and doesn’t look back. 

 

That fall Sousuke begins practicing the freestyle in earnest, putting butterfly to the wayside for once. Normally swimming the butterfly makes him feel closer to Rin, who is now physically across the ocean and away from him. At least he’s away from Nanase too. 

This time _he’s_ the one swimming against Nanase’s ghost, and it’s harder than Sousuke expected. He compares his times to Nanase’s and finds them seriously lacking, but that’s not the worst of it. The worst part is the fact that Nanase’s ghost weighs on him while he’s in the water, drowning him while he reminds Sousuke that Rin left Sano for him, that he was the one that changed Rin and took him away from Sousuke. 

Sousuke only swims harder in response, and finally catches up to Nanase Haruka. 

 

In the winter Sousuke finally gets to prove himself. 

Rin had been the one that taught him what it felt like to _really_ swim, to swim with absolute awareness of the person beside you and feel the water. Swimming with Rin had always felt _right_ , like Sousuke was supposed to be there, beside him, beating him if he needed too. Swimming with Rin had felt like home.

Swimming with Nanase is completely different. If swimming with Rin had been comfortable, swimming with Nanase is the opposite. Swimming with Nanase makes Sousuke feel more aware of the water, while at the same time making him feel like every nerve ending in his body light up at the same time. 

Sousuke doesn’t know if it’s just because of their proximity--Sousuke had managed to snag a lane right next to Nanase out of pure luck--but it’s a heady feeling. For the first time he can understand why Rin had loved this, why he’d wanted more of it. 

Nanase wins the race, but Sousuke isn’t even surprised, not after feeling how the water responds to him. He himself gets second, and but it’s two and a half second behind Nanase. That leaves a bitter taste in Sousuke’s mouth. 

“Good race,” Sousuke says after they get out of the pool, even though he doesn’t mean it, like the customary politeness doesn’t taste like poison in his throat. 

Nanase says nothing at all.

 

After Rin moves to Australia Sousuke doesn’t hear anything from him for months. Not even a postcard. He’s fine with that, really. According to Mrs. Matsuoka, Rin is busy and thriving, overall “doing very well so far from home!” 

Sousuke believes that, because Rin could probably easily blow all of those Australians out of the water. He’s just that good, and Sousuke believes in him. 

In the spring he gets a letter written in Rin’s handwriting, and rips into it as though the envelope is on fire. He reads it eagerly at first, but slows down once Rin’s words sink in. 

Rin is _not_ doing as well as he’s evidently been telling his mother. He’s not doing well at all; he’s lonely and failing at his dream--at _their_ dream. 

There’s a part of him that’s glad that, that’s glad that Rin is sharing this with him. He’s never been this forthright, never shared as much of his heart with Sousuke. Even when he’d shared his Olympic dream it had seemed like something had been missing. 

It’s only later, on the second read, that Sousuke sees the _yous_ that had been erased to make room for _Harus_ and realizes that this letter wasn’t meant for him at all. It was meant for _Nanase_ and that makes his blood boil. 

He wants to throw the letter in the trash, but he knows he can’t. Instead he puts it back into the envelope and decides to give it to Haru, since that’s where it was meant to go in the first place. 

 

When Sousuke gives Nanase the letter he hardly reacts at all besides his eyes going wide. He doesn’t seem to care at all, and that’s the worst part. Did Nanase even care about _Rin_ at all, even if it was just a teammate for the relay? Rin talks to him like they were even closer than he and Sousuke, but Nanase doesn’t seem to realize that, or want to acknowledge that. 

The questions turn from bitterness into resentment, and Sousuke vows to beat Nanase, just like Rin once had. 

 

Sousuke decides to go to Tokyo for the swim teams there, knowing that this was his best chance at getting scouted and going to the Olympics. And once he’s made it there he will be able to find Rin. 

He walks around the Sano Swim Club once last time before he leaves, looking at the pool that has created the direction his life has taken. There’s a wall of pictures right beside the door and Sousuke lingers there, looking up at all of them. 

Most of the pictures are new, of the elementary students that now use this Swim Club the most, but there are a few older pictures left. One of these is of Sousuke and Rin, laughing in their swimsuits, Rin’s arm around Sousuke’s neck.

With a sudden clarity Sousuke remembers what had led up this picture. They had wanted to have a belly flop contest with their relay team before practice, and one of the others had gone first. They had been laughing at his complaining and the way that his stomach and chest had been bright red. 

He could barely breathe, that day, even when the coach yelled at them while their picture was being taken. For the rest of practice every time they caught each other’s eye they had started laughing again. 

Sousuke touches the picture before he goes, knowing that Rin would wish him luck, even while he’s so far away. 

 

“You’ll get scouted at our Regionals, I know it,” his coach promises him as they go to scout out the competition for the region that Sano is in. That’s the only reason he’d agreed to go at all; otherwise he would’ve stayed at Tokyo at the dorm. 

He grabs a program before they sit down, his eyes dragging through the list of names. Samezuka is there, but that’s no surprise, seeing as how they’re a national name in their own right. Two years ago they had been close to the level of the Tokyo teams, but not quite there yet and so Sousuke left, deciding to make the best choice for himself instead of building up a Samezuka team. Besides, Rin had gone all the way to Australia; the least Sousuke could do was go to Tokyo. 

Sousuke reads the Samezuka roster once, and then twice, not quite believing his eyes. But no, the name _Matsuoka Rin_ is there, plain as day and Sousuke can feel his heart leap into his throat. 

He didn’t even know Rin was back in Japan, that bastard. 

Sousuke wants to go find Rin now, wants to ask him what the hell he thinks he’s doing not telling him that he’s back before hugging him. He wants to see Rin smile and tell him that he’s back for good and oh, Sousuke, why don’t you transfer to Samezuka too, we should swim together again. 

He’s decides to see Rin after he races, so that Sousuke doesn’t distract him. And so he can congratulate him properly, because there's no doubt in Sousuke's mind that Rin will cream the competition, problems in Australia or not.

Sosuke is so busy planning this that he almost misses the kanji for _Iwatobi High School Swim Club_. When he sees that his heart plummets, and when he sees Nanase’s name his good mood dissipates completely. 

How is it that Nanase can ruin even this? He didn’t even know that Iwatobi High had a swim club, and here they are now, competing against Rin in the relay. 

Sousuke watches the individual race and sees the horrible loss that Rin takes and finds himself getting more furious as time goes on. This is Rin’s _chance_ , this is when Rin should be getting scouted too. They should be meeting again at Nationals. 

Only now Rin’s fucking up big time, and Sousuke _knows_ that it has something to do with Nanase. Doesn’t it always, with Rin? 

His anger only mounts as time goes on, but it reaches its absolute peak when Rin swims in the relay with the Iwatobi team. He _knows_ that’s Rin, would know that butterfly stroke anywhere since it is so similar to Sousuke’s own. 

They get first, but they also get disqualified. Not only does Rin not swim with his own team, he also shows scouts everywhere that he is not loyal to his own team and more than willing to break the rules. 

Sousuke has to leave the stands when he sees Rin hugging Haru; it’s all too much for him. He goes outside and tries to forget everything that he just saw; that Rin would be completely willing to let Nanase Haruka get in the way of the dream that he has had since he was twelve years old. 

 

Sousuke transfers to Samezuka that spring, knowing that this will be his last chance to swim with Rin instead of against him. He also wants to swim against Nanase too, and this seems to be the perfect chance since there is no guarantee that Iwatobi will get to the Nationals. 

 

The first thing that Rin and Sousuke do after they get out of class is their handshake. They still have perfect synchronization, even after five years, and Sousuke knows that this is fate. Seeing Rin again feels the way that swimming against him felt, like coming home. 

Only it’s better now, five years only strengthening these feelings. He imagines this is what it’s like to reattach a limb, to gain back a piece of your heart, if something like that was possible. And Rin’s smile is just as bright as it used to be, brighter even, which is the best part. 

 

He finds the public race to be the perfect place to finally corner Nanase. 

Nanase looks the same that he always did, impassive and cold, and seeing that makes Sousuke angry all over again. 

When he finally manages to find Nanase alone at the vending machine he lets out five year’s worth of frustration. “You even dragged Rin into it. I would never have made him do something like that,” Sousuke says. And it’s true, no matter what Sousuke would _never_ come between Rin and his dream. Only someone that didn’t truly care about Rin would make him do that, which just proves his point. 

“What do you mean?” Nanase asks, like he doesn’t know, like he’s not doing it on _purpose_. Like he hasn’t been stringing Rin along. 

Sousuke takes a step closer, pinning Haru to the machine. “Don’t ever get in Rin’s way again,” he says. Nanase’s eyes widen and for the first time Sousuke sees expression on that face. He looks scared, like Sousuke’s figured him out. Good. 

When Sousuke makes his way back to the Samezuka team Rin looks up. “Did you get that sports drink for me?” he asks Sousuke, who had completely forgotten about getting it after seeing Nanase. 

“No, sorry.” 

Rin gets up and shoves him. “Wow, you’re useless,” he says, smiling, and Sousuke feels like he’s seen the sun again.


End file.
